It was all lies when they told me that life was full of choices.

So many people lied and told me that life was full of choices, no it’s not.

I can’t agree with that any day because I wanted to pick up one choice one day and I couldn’t, I cried because I felt like a loser, I felt empty and I wanted to pick one choice “happiness” and I couldn’t even though I tried so hard. It all started when I was a little girl with so many dreams and I wanted to make choices but I failed to do that.

I was just a little girl, I wanted to play with my dolls like other girls. But I couldn’t because my rapist was out there walking up and down like he own our street. He was still calling other little girls beautiful angels, he was still buying girls sweets and all the elders from our streets loved him they were still calling him a gentleman. All I ever wanted was to make one choice to play with my friends and be happy at least for few hours because I knew that at night I couldn’t be happier with all the nightmares and flashbacks. Where were the choices when I couldn’t be happy during the day because my rapist was there and at night in my dreams he was still there, I realized that I didn’t have a choice. There were no choices for me.

I grew up and I was a teenager with zero confidence, with low self-esteem. The friends I made told me that I was an attention seeker, a liar. The only thing I wanted was to make a choice to be happy and I couldn’t. I wanted to protect some teenage girls and the little girls younger than me but I couldn’t. I wanted to stand up for girls who went through the same thing that I went through, the little girls who felt the same pain I was living with. The girls who were told to keep quiet and not talk about elders like that when they wanted to tell their story.

I remember when I used to hide in bushes until the bus that I was taking to school left me and then walk to school because I couldn’t use the same transport that my rapist was using. I remember the days I would beat up my mom’s flowers in the garden because I wanted to teach them to be brave. I would get a stick and play a teacher to the flowers because I felt the need to speak out about my experience and there was no one to listen to me. At school they told us not to wear short skirts but I would tell the girls that it doesn’t matter if you are wearing a long dress, long pants or tight and even if you are naked it’s still the same for the devil because his eyes see through that and you don’t have a choice to choose not to be raped.

Did I ever had a choice? No I never had a choice, I stood up and talk about it but I was raped again by a person who used to say it’s going to be fine, I’ll protect you. He told me that I must keep quiet so that I won’t be embarrassed. He told my parents he will walk me to school since I was afraid to take a bus because the person who raped me was taking the same bus. My family trusted him because he was a well respected member of the village, I didn’t have a choice but to trust him because even when everyone couldn’t believe my story he was the only one who believed that I was not lying, the only one who listened to me and He raped me also. He told me that no one would ever believed me even if I can try to tell people that he raped me, I didn’t have a choice I had to keep it to myself.

It was all too familiar so recurrent,so regular standing in front of the mirror drying my tears, concealing my scars and trying to figure out if assault was all I deserved, trying to find out where were the choices they told me that life is full of them.

Why all my efforts towards them brought forth rage. They were slightly violent while I dated them, I couldn’t voice my opinions. They all called me their rainbow at first just like my first rapist who use to call me a beautiful angel but they all made me black and blue before leaving me. I was already in my twenties but I still didn’t have a choice to pick happiness no matter how much I tried I still failed. All the guys I dated at the end looked the same with my rapists and they all lied to me, made me think it was my fault. I felt loveless, the other boy told me that no one can ever stand me because I’m a broken soul he doesn’t think I can stand myself even if I can be given a chance to meet myself.

I was empty, I didn’t feel myself and I became suicidal because what was the use of living when I was that broken. When I couldn’t stand myself even if I can meet myself. I was depressed, I stopped talking to people about what was going on and I stopped talking to myself. I was very angry at the person I was, I couldn’t look at the mirror because I hated myself and I stopped going to church. I wondered if could God waste His time and create a loser, a sinner, a very filthy person and my answer was no. I didn’t have a choice because the God that was praised was a Good one, the God who answered people’s questions and by that time he wasn’t answering any of my questions and my prayers so I didn’t have a choice but to believe that I don’t belong to Him so I stopped praying.

Can you have a choice to be happy when even the face you have, like the only thing that makes you feel like yourself would sometimes break. My face would break down and get very dry, get huge pimples and oils. I was left with nothing because I couldn’t face the world anymore. My hair would get lots of dandruff as well no matter what I apply I would still look dirty and feel like I haven’t bathed for days. I would put makeup and wash it out because it didn’t look nice. My eyes would be swollen and looked reddish, no matter how much I had to go out I wouldn’t because I was terrible, I was a walking corpses.

But one Sunday afternoon after years of struggling, after so many years living lies pretending to be okay while I was dead inside I prayed to God, I told him how I felt and cried my lungs out. My heart was in so much pain, my eyes were hurting and my nose was blocked, I couldn’t alter a word I was shaking but I managed to stand up drink water and pass by the mirror. My surprise I looked so beautiful my skin was glowing my eyes were white and I laughed I also noticed my teeth were white clean my jawbone was very nice. I laughed that afternoon and feel light.

I was surprised how do I look this beautiful while yesterday I didn’t even took a bath, I decided that I must take a shower and look how much more will I look if I can look beautiful without bathing. I did that and I was smiling all the way, so I took a pair of jeans and sneaker and went out get some air, I looked so beautiful. I was stopped by strangers telling me how beautiful I was, cars were hooting and I was amazed on my way home I have a chat with myself, and I told myself that there was a reason why I was born, why they give me my name and why all the terrible things happened to me. I knew there was a reason and I didn’t have a choice to choose to be someone else I had to embrace the person I was, I didn’t have a choice life didn’t give me choices. ❤️

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It wasn’t easy

From previous post…

Around 3 I had to get a courage to wake up and think of a solution. I wake up went to the kitchen fix something to eat and went back to bed.

I realized that there wasn’t a way that I could ignore the fact that I need money to recover from the weekend. I switched on my phone and made few calls with no luck. So I was forced to make a loan because nobody could help me. I couldn’t even leave that bed and bath and it was late for me to go sit on the bank and ask for a loan so I went to check it out on internet and found that I can try calling my bank and make loan application.

I had to use the few cents that I had on my account to buy airtime because I couldn’t leave the house to go to the nearest store that’s how terrible I was. On that evening there were knocks of people who were checking me but I couldn’t wake up and open for them because I was a mess and my house was filthy of which that was unlike me so I decided to ignore them. My lights were off and phones off again because I didn’t want anybody to notice that I was in or anyone to call me.

I couldn’t talk to anyone, I had to sleep with an empty stomach in that dirty house still not having energy to go to work the next morning. I tossed and turned the whole night stressing about what am I going to do. Luckily I passed out and wake up around 10 the next morning, still feeling terrible and I didn’t go to work. I cried and kneel down, I didn’t know what to do I couldn’t pray I was weak I remember telling God that I was only helping out I couldn’t say no and now I’m in a mess I need money to go to work and buy groceries and I’m ashamed to go to the bank and make a loan on month end while I got paid.

I don’t remember saying amen I was crying and I switched on my phone, immediately after switching it on I received a call from my bank regarding the application I made and I was offered a loan. That was it I smiled and thank God, I gained energy to wake up clean my apartment and play some music. My day got much better when cash clicked in my account and I bathed and go pay my bills. The next day I went to work with a relief even though I couldn’t believe that I did that big loan because I never imagined myself doing such.

My life was messed up from that day because my friends thought I was fine they didn’t pay me back and I found myself working to pay loans. My salary wasn’t enough for me to pay my bills and loan installment and still go through the whole month. I started getting myself in more debts and going out every weekend it was fun but when I was alone everyday was a struggle.

I ended up enjoying being with friends some would even stay in for weeks in my apartment and I was not bothered because I was afraid to be alone, I sink in debts some I would ignore them. The was nothing that was making me feel better anymore so every day I had to drink to be able to sleep. If I’m sober I couldn’t sleep at all.

I started smoking because some of my friends were smoking and I wanted everything that can help me with my messed up life and at work I wasn’t performing well but I had to push. I wasn’t sleeping, I was ignoring calls my phone was now always on silent because I would get irritated when people ask me why I’m not taking my phone and even the sound of my ring tone was stressing me out because I knew every time my phone was ringing its debts.

My life was miserable and I had no one to talk to. When I was bankrupt working for debts my friends started distancing themselves, I noticed that if I didn’t call or text them they won’t talk to me and by that time I need people to vent to and ease my pain. Sometimes I would be broke in a way that I had to borrow money for transport to work while it’s month end and non of my friends would help me.

I struggled, I cried everyday and most of the days I would go to bed hungry because I couldn’t afford to buy groceries. I would pay rent sometimes I wouldn’t even have money for rent, food or anything. I would hustle to get money for transport to work only and I had to drop my degree because I couldn’t afford fees or even concentrate in class, I was failing my modules.

It got worse when I was kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t afford the expensive apartment that I was staying in. I moved to a family member where I was afraid to eat or bath because I felt like I was too much so I didn’t want to eat so I can help them save.

From townhouse to township, I was depressed because I was expected to contribute and I had nothing, leaving on their space I was always afraid I had to be the first person to wake up, clean and help the kids. If they did laundry I had to iron it until my back couldn’t take it because I felt like I owe them that much. When they are eating I would tell them that I’m full or my stomach is upset I can’t eat. Then I would offer to do dishes then while doing dishes I would take leftover food to the dustbin out side and eat before throwing out some, I would do that even if it’s raining I would still go to the bin outside.

All my friends were not available, I would still call them to check out how they were holding up some would pick up and tell me they will get back to me and some they wouldn’t even bother to take my calls and I couldn’t even ask them a single cent. My life went on like that for a while and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Things got worse when I couldn’t contribute to the the house on month ends because thing were not okay at work we would get paid late or sometimes our salaries were cut off and my debits will take all the money, my situation went from worst to something else, I would cry on my way to work or in the bathroom.

I didn’t know why I was still breathing I had no reason at all, I got suicidal things were worse than usual where I was staying the cousins I was staying with would shout me in front of her kids, the communication was bad and one day when I get to work around 10 I got her message saying she couldn’t take it anymore she needs space and I was aware that any day that will happen. That time the only money I had was for me to go home after work.

Later on that day on my way home I sent my supervisor a message requesting leave days, I got home and my cousin and kids were already preparing to go to bed. I got home very late because I was afraid to face her and when I get home she told me that her husband and kids are uncomfortable living with me there while I can’t contribute any longer so I must find a way. I asked her if she could borrow me some money so I could go and I knew she didn’t have it I wanted to extend my days there and think. I needed to come out with a solution but that didn’t work because the next morning she left some money and sent me a message saying that’s all I could help you with.

The money was not even half of what I asked and I didn’t know what to do. I cried till my eyes didn’t have any drops of tears then I went to pack my clothes, I call this other guy who was owing me money and asked him to lend me R300 rand he said okay and it was his pay day. I packed my bags while packing I found R20 on one of my clothes, I went to bath and I told myself that I’m going home.

I took my bags around 1pm and left, take a taxi to the station where I there’s busses traveling to home in my originally town. I asked there traveling fee and it was more than what I had, I went to sit down and try to call the guy whom I borrowed money from and his phone went straight to voice mail. I had to go to the bathroom and talk to myself because I could feel that I will cry, when I came back I was approached by a guy who told me that he is selling a ticket he’s no longer traveling and they don’t want to take it back I was lucky.

The guy was selling the ticket with less money because people didn’t trust him and he wanted to get his money back so he sold the ticket with exactly the money I had and it was a bargain for me. I thank God and get to the bus after 3 hours. I traveled to home hungry but I couldn’t feel that because I was going home to a better place at last. I cried my lungs out when I get home and that was the end of pain for me, I managed to get rest at night to sleep freely and eat freely and get full in a long time. My heart was in peace since then ♥️♥️

It wasn’t easy

In 2013 towards the end of the year,I find myself sinking in debts and everything I touched was falling apart.

I’ll paint this for you so you can understand. I was staying in a 2 bedroom apartment in Pretoria, having everything I needed. I was that girl who leaves her apartment when she’s going to school, work or church. Mondays to Fridays I would leave my flat in the morning and come back afternoon then weekends I would go to church on Saturday around 2 and come back home after 6,same thing Sunday I would go in the morning at 10am and come back after 6, that was my life.

My life changed towards the end of the year when I started going out with friends sometimes my friends would come over for nights or for weekends. I noticed that I was now leaving a lie, impressing everyone and I stopped doing the things I used to do. My friends would come over for weekend, from Friday afternoon and leave Monday morning. I had to impress them because they my visitors. From making breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I noticed that I was going deep into my pockets every time a friend spend a weekend with me. One of my friends would come over with 2 or 3 of her friends and I had to smile and welcome them. We would go for shopping and go out at night to clubs come back in the mornings and that was just not my life.

I remember one of the mornings waking up feeling like I’ve killed someone or I’ve did a very terrible thing. I couldn’t face people my thoughts were not giving me peace, myself needed attention and it was after a weekend of pay day. My friends left to their places and I was left alone.

I sit down in that messed up place, my apartment was dirty from kitchen to the bedroom. I couldn’t do anything but sit on the bed and try to go back to a previous day before pay day, I had plans that I will pay my bills and spoil myself. Buy few household items. My thoughts from the morning when my incontact clicked alerting me about my salary. To a call that I received before lunch that was from a so called friend of mine telling me that that “hey friend I’m coming over to your place with one of my friend who is having a problem with her parents now they chased her away she has nowhere to go I’ll tell you the details when we get there, you’ll find us at your place.” that was it I couldn’t ask anything or tell her that I had plans so I can’t host them because it wasn’t a request but she was telling me.

I had to change my plans by that time because I was now having unexpected visitors. Before I even knocked off at work I was already receiving calls asking my whereabouts because they were already waiting for me.

I got home and meet them, first thing I was told that this new friend was under too much stress so going out can help her ease the pain.

These people were carrying handbags, no toiletries, no extra clothes to change, no pajamas and a friend of mine asked me that I must help the girl she will pay me back and for herself she can wear mine because she wasn’t aware that they will come all the way to my place although she called me during the day. We went to the nearby shopping center and buy few things for them and toiletries. Already I was out of budget, we go back to my apartment my friend told me we should go out when I told her about my plans she told me that she will pay me back the money we will spend.

It was in the evening we prepare to leave for that unplanned girls night, before I even knew it when we get to the club there were other friends invited and I was forced to smile and go with the flow till early morning when we left the club to my crib. Next day again, I couldn’t even do my laundry like I usually do it on Saturdays before going to church. I couldn’t clean my house or do any chores because I have to entertain the visitors that I was now having.

That weekend we went out Friday, Saturday and Sunday night mind you I had my plans and budget before I had that and going out was never in my plans.

Monday morning they all left and I was left alone with my thoughts and regrets. I didn’t pay my bills, no groceries the only thing I had was a terrible headache and the feeling that was like I had killed someone last night. I locked myself the whole day I didn’t go to work I had to call in sick, adding stress. Some of my debit orders that didn’t go through were now bouncing because of insufficient funds.

Remember I wasn’t getting a huge salary but it was enough for me to pay my rent apartment, water and electricity bills, my groceries, school fees and my transportation to work. Now I was left with nothing I only paid rent and few debit orders. I slept on that bed with my phones off, I was hungry and I couldn’t even walk to the kitchen my apartment was filthy and I didn’t have energy to do anything I was very weak.

To be continued…

How do you report emotional abuse? Because police stations needs proof

I was abused emotionally and I wasn’t aware it was abuse for 9 months. When I realized that this is serious it was already late. I met this guy and I wasn’t in any relationship and he told me that he was single too. The guy had a kid from a previous relationship and he briefed me how he wasn’t happy on that relationship.

We never got on details about it and I let him be because I could see that he’s not ready to talk about it and it was okay I understand. We would chat about random stuff and it was okay.

We get very close and we were happy, we enjoyed each others company. The good morning and goodnight texts or calls were our everyday thing. We would chat throughout the day and we never had a single day where we didn’t talk.

We had our little fights like everyone but down the line I noticed some changes and he told me that I have to understand him because his baby mama hurt him so its not easy for him. I would feel sorry for him and try to understand and support him. This happened for sometime.

Boom things changed, the guy was no longer calling me I had to call him and whenever I called he would talk to me like he doesn’t want to talk at all. I was worried thinking maybe its something I said or did but when I ask he would tell me he’s okay maybe I’m the one who’s not and if I want to tell him something I must tell him and stop beating the bushes. It happened for sometime and if I didn’t text him on WhatsApp we won’t talk.

In some days I would tell myself that I’ll wait for him to text me 1st because I was noticing that I’m always the only one to text him or call him and it gets worse if I didn’t call or text him that day we won’t talk at all. I made peace about it and I would call or text in the morning to check up on him and during the day ,again before I sleep I would check him and make the good night calls.

I was hurting because when I ask he would tell me we are okay he doesn’t know what I want I’m always seeing things because I want to fight,some days I would text him in the morning and get a response in the evening. I knew I was unhappy but I didn’t know what to do because when I ask him about it we would end up fighting and we won’t talk for days,I’ll have to apologise for a week for asking him about that.

I wants to let him be and leave that relationship but I loved him and when I tell him I can’t stand for that he would be sweet and tell me that I know he’s not okay because his baby mama hurt him and I know that he doesn’t like fighting.

The guy would ignore me for days and when I ask he would tell me that he withdrew because he noticed I want to fight. It hurt me because whenever I ask him about what was going on I always make sure I’m cool very polite. I tried to find out what was going on, I checked and find out that he was still dating the baby mama when I asked him he told me that it was my fault because sometimes I don’t call him like I used to and I’ve changed.

It hurt me because I was trying by all means to show him how much I loved him and he still ignored me. We dated while I knew his also seeing his baby mama and he then cheated with some girls. I would talk to him about it and he would tell me how he always thought I was way better than my behavior and how he sees that I never loved him, he would say hurting things and tell me that I’m broken that is why my previous relationships never worked.

For sometime I thought I was bad for relationships,the guy would insult me and emotional blackmail me so that I will feel like I’m the one whose wrong. I was always apologising because everything was my fault. He slept with my friend and I catch them he never apologise or even feel sorry about that he said it was my fault because whenever he visits my place I’m always with that friend.

He gave me excuses and I also thought it was my fault, I stayed in the relationship. A lot of things happened and we would go for days not talking,one of the things I noticed he was always having problems and I will have to listen. If its not a that he would be sick and call me,he would tell me how I know he has no body to go to except me when he had problems.

I stop dancing for his gittar for a while he would call me and tell me stories,borrow money that he wouldn’t give me back. He would act like he forgot he’s owing me and when he gets money he would go out with friends and only come to me when he needs something. We would be in good terms when he feel like he want to be good if he doesn’t he would just ignore me.

One day I was hurting, crying as usually and my pillows were wet,my eyes were swollen I get up get my water bottle and stand in front of the big mirror in my bedroom. I had a chat with the little girl in me who would agree when I was told its my fault, the little girl in me who always cry and wet my pillows. I told myself that this is the end of it,I told myself that I won’t cry again for this I’m done this is the last day and it ends right now.

I had to stop it that day and I deleted everything that link me with him,I then drank my water. It wasn’t easy because I loved him and I still loved him when I took that decision, I would literally beat up myself because I wanted to call him every day was a struggle. He only noticed that I wasn’t calling or checking him after 3 weeks .

He came to me and asked what’s going on, I told him that I had to let him go for both our sake. He begged me and told me how he can’t survive without me,he reminded me that we had promises that we made and I knew that if I want to be happy I must let him be happy without me though. He would send me threats and told me that he knew I didn’t love him but I never looked back.

  • I was ignored by the very same person who told me he loved me and he wanna be with me
  • He cheated and told me that it was my fault
  • I made means to communicate and clear things about our relationship and I was told that I’m always ready to pick up fights
  • When I tried talking to him he would says I’m always worked up
  • I was insulted everyday when we fight about my infertility.

It was during winter season when I was robbed my virginity.

One of the cold nights in eastern cape my mom woke me up and told me we have to go to our neighbor’s house. She took me and my two brothers there and left us because she had to go to work. One of the forests where she was working at was burning and she was on standby so she had to go to work with her colleagues to stop the fire.

At neighbor’s house it was a family of three,two kids a boy,his sister and their mother. The boy was older than us. We got there with our mattresses so that we won’t bother them,their mother showed us where we can put our mattresses and it was on the passage front opposite the kids bedroom. I still remember like it was yesterday, my brothers made me sleep in the middle because it was cold. In midnight while we were sleeping the boy shook me to wakeup and told me his mom says I must go sleep on the bed because its cold on the floor.

I was 8 years old,a little innocent and naive girl I did as he say. He showed me the bed and went to sleep on the mattress with my brothers and I sleep on his single bed. I must have fallen asleep because I felt an heavyweight on top of me,it was the neighbor boy. He took off my pants already and he was on top of me trying to push himself in me.

I cried,shouted and he putted a pillow on my face and told me that if I cry again he’s going to throw me out of his place I must remember where am I. The boy raped me I was crying silently while he helped himself and I was bleeding he told me to go and bath.

I bathed in cold water. He then made me wash his bed sheets while everyone was still sleeping when I was done he took our key and told me that he’s taking me home because his mom would kill me if she can wakeup while I’m still there after I messed their sheets.

I was shaking scared and still crying silently it hurts and I was cold. That was the day I loose apart of me. It still hurts everyday when I think about it.

The following morning when my brothers came back to our place they were laughing at me. They told me that they know why I left early there and they know why I was crying because I’m always whining. I cried they laughed, I couldn’t talk to anybody there was a sharp pain in my heart piercing my heart I hated every minute of my life.

My mom came back,I over heard them telling my mom what happened after she asked them how did they sleep. They told my mom that the boy from next door slept on the floor with them and he said he gave me his bed because he felt sorry for me that I’m sleeping on the floor and it was cold. Then when he wakes up his bed was wet and smelling pee and I was gone.

They told my mom the boys mother and the boy are angry because “he had to wash his sheets and I didn’t even apologized I sneak out and left”. My mom came to me and beat me up she force me to go and apologise there for that. He was shouting at me I had to go there and apologise.

My mom told the neighbor she can punish me for that because she hate such and the neighbor didn’t beat me she only gave me a punishment to clean her dustbin and clean her yard for a week.

In the afternoon that day I went to pickup papers and dirty stuff on the yard and the boy came to me and told me it was all my fault if I didn’t cry and shout he was going to be gently and I wouldn’t even bleed.

I lost myself on that night and its been 23 years since then. Today I’m telling a girl who was raped that it wasn’t your fault girl don’t blame yourself. Today I know it wasn’t my fault. The boy who raped me,the boy who lied to his parents and the boy who told me that it was my fault lied,IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.