So many people lied and told me that life was full of choices, no it’s not.
I can’t agree with that any day because I wanted to pick up one choice one day and I couldn’t, I cried because I felt like a loser, I felt empty and I wanted to pick one choice “happiness” and I couldn’t even though I tried so hard. It all started when I was a little girl with so many dreams and I wanted to make choices but I failed to do that.
I was just a little girl, I wanted to play with my dolls like other girls. But I couldn’t because my rapist was out there walking up and down like he own our street. He was still calling other little girls beautiful angels, he was still buying girls sweets and all the elders from our streets loved him they were still calling him a gentleman. All I ever wanted was to make one choice to play with my friends and be happy at least for few hours because I knew that at night I couldn’t be happier with all the nightmares and flashbacks. Where were the choices when I couldn’t be happy during the day because my rapist was there and at night in my dreams he was still there, I realized that I didn’t have a choice. There were no choices for me.
I grew up and I was a teenager with zero confidence, with low self-esteem. The friends I made told me that I was an attention seeker, a liar. The only thing I wanted was to make a choice to be happy and I couldn’t. I wanted to protect some teenage girls and the little girls younger than me but I couldn’t. I wanted to stand up for girls who went through the same thing that I went through, the little girls who felt the same pain I was living with. The girls who were told to keep quiet and not talk about elders like that when they wanted to tell their story.
I remember when I used to hide in bushes until the bus that I was taking to school left me and then walk to school because I couldn’t use the same transport that my rapist was using. I remember the days I would beat up my mom’s flowers in the garden because I wanted to teach them to be brave. I would get a stick and play a teacher to the flowers because I felt the need to speak out about my experience and there was no one to listen to me. At school they told us not to wear short skirts but I would tell the girls that it doesn’t matter if you are wearing a long dress, long pants or tight and even if you are naked it’s still the same for the devil because his eyes see through that and you don’t have a choice to choose not to be raped.
Did I ever had a choice? No I never had a choice, I stood up and talk about it but I was raped again by a person who used to say it’s going to be fine, I’ll protect you. He told me that I must keep quiet so that I won’t be embarrassed. He told my parents he will walk me to school since I was afraid to take a bus because the person who raped me was taking the same bus. My family trusted him because he was a well respected member of the village, I didn’t have a choice but to trust him because even when everyone couldn’t believe my story he was the only one who believed that I was not lying, the only one who listened to me and He raped me also. He told me that no one would ever believed me even if I can try to tell people that he raped me, I didn’t have a choice I had to keep it to myself.
It was all too familiar so recurrent,so regular standing in front of the mirror drying my tears, concealing my scars and trying to figure out if assault was all I deserved, trying to find out where were the choices they told me that life is full of them.
Why all my efforts towards them brought forth rage. They were slightly violent while I dated them, I couldn’t voice my opinions. They all called me their rainbow at first just like my first rapist who use to call me a beautiful angel but they all made me black and blue before leaving me. I was already in my twenties but I still didn’t have a choice to pick happiness no matter how much I tried I still failed. All the guys I dated at the end looked the same with my rapists and they all lied to me, made me think it was my fault. I felt loveless, the other boy told me that no one can ever stand me because I’m a broken soul he doesn’t think I can stand myself even if I can be given a chance to meet myself.
I was empty, I didn’t feel myself and I became suicidal because what was the use of living when I was that broken. When I couldn’t stand myself even if I can meet myself. I was depressed, I stopped talking to people about what was going on and I stopped talking to myself. I was very angry at the person I was, I couldn’t look at the mirror because I hated myself and I stopped going to church. I wondered if could God waste His time and create a loser, a sinner, a very filthy person and my answer was no. I didn’t have a choice because the God that was praised was a Good one, the God who answered people’s questions and by that time he wasn’t answering any of my questions and my prayers so I didn’t have a choice but to believe that I don’t belong to Him so I stopped praying.
Can you have a choice to be happy when even the face you have, like the only thing that makes you feel like yourself would sometimes break. My face would break down and get very dry, get huge pimples and oils. I was left with nothing because I couldn’t face the world anymore. My hair would get lots of dandruff as well no matter what I apply I would still look dirty and feel like I haven’t bathed for days. I would put makeup and wash it out because it didn’t look nice. My eyes would be swollen and looked reddish, no matter how much I had to go out I wouldn’t because I was terrible, I was a walking corpses.
But one Sunday afternoon after years of struggling, after so many years living lies pretending to be okay while I was dead inside I prayed to God, I told him how I felt and cried my lungs out. My heart was in so much pain, my eyes were hurting and my nose was blocked, I couldn’t alter a word I was shaking but I managed to stand up drink water and pass by the mirror. My surprise I looked so beautiful my skin was glowing my eyes were white and I laughed I also noticed my teeth were white clean my jawbone was very nice. I laughed that afternoon and feel light.
I was surprised how do I look this beautiful while yesterday I didn’t even took a bath, I decided that I must take a shower and look how much more will I look if I can look beautiful without bathing. I did that and I was smiling all the way, so I took a pair of jeans and sneaker and went out get some air, I looked so beautiful. I was stopped by strangers telling me how beautiful I was, cars were hooting and I was amazed on my way home I have a chat with myself, and I told myself that there was a reason why I was born, why they give me my name and why all the terrible things happened to me. I knew there was a reason and I didn’t have a choice to choose to be someone else I had to embrace the person I was, I didn’t have a choice life didn’t give me choices. ❤️